That Old Familiar Feeling

It has been over a year since my last post here on this blog and I must say it has been a year of ups and downs, as it is for most people. This last few weeks a very familiar feeling has been creeping up on me, thoughts of the horror of the abuse my siblings and myself suffered as children and teens, the feelings of inner sadness and a feeling of underlying anger come closer and closer to the surface as each week goes by. I have many triggers, and some of the most serious triggers for me are dates on the calendar. I do not like to call them "anniversaries" as that is a term that normally describes good times and not usually specific memories of abuse. Many of us survivors remember these times and during the course of a year, they can be very discomforting. Summer is a trigger for me as I grew up on the hot, dry semi-desert of New Mexico, and it was during the summer that much of the physical, emotional, verbal abuse was lashed out upon me, and it was during the summer of 1973 that the sexual abuse I suffered began and continued until late fall. It was summer when my dad physically injured me during a beating, and this injury to my hip has plagued me my whole life. Lately my hip has started working itself out of place, and this is also a trigger for me. Also, for one year now, my commute to work everyday takes me by the seniors lodge where my aging abuser dad lives. Someday's I don't think too much about it, and others I have mixed thoughts. Someday's I feel anger rising up within me as I think of him and remember what he did to my family members. Other times I feel a sadness that I will never have a decent loving relationship with a dad who was supposed to love me and take care of me. Many mixed emotions result as I pass by that location every day of the week. I would take a different route but this would cause my daily commute to increase to over 2 hours each way, so I decided to learn to live with it. I have several trigger dates on the calendar coming up soon and as they approach, I must have a plan in place to not allow myself to lose the accomplished work of working through my issues in order to heal. I will go back and re-read many of the books that I studied to help me through the first part of my healing journey, and I will meditate on a regular basis and stay in faith. I do not like to think about this one fact, and that is the knowledge that I will probably always have these issues of triggers to deal with, but now I know that there are many things I can do to help me get through them and grow with each trigger as they come along. This has placed the control and power in my arena, and this is a very positive move in my healing journey. Love and peace to you all. Never give up, no matter how tough the journey!

Another Test of Boundaries

Hello friends, it has been a while since I last posted a blog entry and I have no real good excuse other than being completely exhausted and busy looking for a stable full time job. I had another opportunity to test my boundary limits two days ago, when my old "abuser" dad showed up at my front door again. I heard a knock and looked out the peep hole, as I live in a big city and you just don't open your door without knowing who is on the other side. Well, lo and behold it was my dad, on the other side of the door peeking into my peephole. I did not let him in and quietly went back into the livingroom hoping he would go away, which he did. I wanted to let him in and talk with him, make him a nice lunch and send him home in a taxi, but I could not do it. I knew from past experience that there is no changing with this man who is my earthly bioligical father. That is all he is. He was never a "dad" to me or any of my siblings. He was hurtful and abusive to his whole family and I just could not let him in. Part of me wanted to because I am his "daughter", and part of me wants to be that loving daughter towards him, but I already know where that will go, and what that will get me, more heartache and more rage. He has not changed, and after nearly 90 years on the planet, he shows no signs of changing. His mental instability and illness keeps him on a cycle of abusive behaviours and other bad personality disorders. After a while, I was relieved that I did not let him in as he would have found a way to hurt me within a matter of minutes. He can no longer physically hurt me, as he had done to me as a child, but he rips my heart to pieces every chance he gets. He is not deserving of my love. He is not deserving of my care. He is not deserving of my time. I cried for a while after he left and realized that this boundary of no contact with him is what I need for me to feel okay, and for me to not continue to let him hurt me anymore. I was happy that my boundary held, and today I am much stronger for it. Peace to you all, may you find the answers you are looking for and grow stronger everyday.

Continuing the Mission to End Child Abuse

It has been a few months since my last post, and I have been busy with many projects. I wrote and published my third book, "One Child Abuse Survivor 2 Another: The Journey in October 2011, and have since then been busy doing my usual routine of Blog Talk Radio shows, and speaking out where I can. I hope to be able to continue to reach as many poeple as possible, the public, and survivors of child abuse. We just do what we can with the time and resources we have. Writing my latest book was hard as it is about the child sexual abuse, incest, rape and sodomy I suffered at 8 years old. It was painful, but so necessary for my healing journey to spend this last year getting in touch with the horrific memories, working through the pain, the body memories, the nightmares and the tragic reality of what the sexual abuse did to my entire being, mind, body, and spirit. I come out of it in a better place then when I started, and I hope that other survivors of incest and csa, will hold on, look for that help and keep that hope alive!

Truth, Honor, Respect and Dignity

Throughout my life, standing up for what I believe in has always been my way. I have done some horrible things in my lifetime, that at the time seemed justifiable and seemed appropriate. Later on in my life I realized, after taking a good long hard look at my behaviours, why I did what I did and my reasonings behind them, I knew they were wrong. I began to focus on the knowledge of "TRUTH", that word that means so much in this world. I began to realize that there is a difference between "RIGHT" and "WRONG", there is a difference between "LIGHT" and "DARKNESS". When I was a child growing up in a home full of abuse, darkness, evil doings, I knew what was right and what was wrong. I knew that it was not right for my Dad to do what he was doing to my Mother, beating her, raping her, cursing her, loathing her. I knew it was wrong that my Dad was hurting his children, beating on us, cursing us, loathing us. I also knew that what my Mother was doing to her children and to me was wrong. Beating on us, hurting us, and taking the full brunt of her anger, rage, pain, torture, sick and twisted warped attitudes towards me, was WRONG!! I knew that what my 21 year old brother did to me at the age of 8 years old was wrong, tying me up, gagging me and sodomizing and raping me and sexually using me, WAS WRONG!! As an adult I looked back at all that had happened to my family, to me, and it was all so incredibly WRONG!! I began to search my heart and wanted to seperate "right" from "wrong" and it became very important for me, in order for me to learn to treat others with dignity and respect, as I had never been shown any dignity or respect in my lifetime within my home from my parents or my siblings. I had to LEARN how to treat myself with dignity and respect, and I had to learn how to treat others the same way. I had to put everything in it's proper place, and learn that hurting people is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Along the road, I learned that we are going to make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. Not one of us can honestly say or believe that we are infallible and perfect. I started to realize that, because I was abused and treated so badly my whole life by my parents and siblings, I was not very good at INSISTING ON RESPECT, INSISTING ON DIGNITY and I would quickly shut people out of my life who had hurt me, who had said or done things to me that were hurtful and did not apologize for. In doing that, I found myself very much alone. I am not sure why people feel the need to hurt people and then feel completely justified in doing so. This has always bothered me. My abuser Dad, who is still living, has always done this, never taking responsibility for his actions. My abuser Mother who is long dead, would never apologize or try to make amends for her horrific and twisted behaviours and injurious actions towards me. In my adult life, I have found that most people, will hurt everyone at some point, it's inevitable. What I WILL NOT TOLERATE are those people who are too full of themselves to make amends, or at least try. I am trying to learn to be willing to accept an apology, and to learn to move forward in relationships, no matter what kind they are. Having said that, I will NEVER compromise my integrity, my dignity, my self worth, my honor by allowing someone, ANYONE to use me, to mistreat me, to abuse me again!! It's THAT simple! I have made mistakes in my lifetime and still do, I am quick to apologize and quick to forgive if the person makes a "SINCERE" attempt to make amends and take responsibility for their actions. I WILL NEVER ALLOW ANYONE TO HURT ME, USE ME, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME, ABUSE ME, MANIPULATE ME AGAIN!! WE, as survivors of abuse, must care enough about ourselves to DEMAND RESPECT, DEMAND DIGNIFIED TREATMENT! If we truly stand up for the truth, and are honestly going to defend the truth, and what is right, what is good, what is decent, what is proper behaviour, then we must demand that for ourselves, and we in turn must treat others with that same respect and dignity that we so deserve. Never compromise yourself for another, to be used and hurt. Treat yourself with dignity and respect, and demand others do the same! Peace to you all.

Grieving - Feeling the Feelings

Hello my friends, it has been awhile since my last post. Between my work with Dreamcatchers For Abused Children, writing and working on my next book, the sequel to "A Life of Death: The Redemption", I have been working on inner child healing. In this process, I am learning that our feelings are valid. Our feelings are necessary, and they are an important part of the healing process, as we become emotionally honest with ourselves and the world. I am doing some visualizaton work with a friend of mine who is my "guide". We have gone in and saved my 8 year old; me. She was still tied up, bound and gagged on that bed from so long ago after having been raped and sodomized by my 21 year old brother. I had left her there, in the darkness. I closed the door and continued on into my 9th year, 10th year, still in hell from the abuse I was suffering at the hands of my mother mainly, but also from the abuse I was suffering from my dad and watching our family spin out of control after the death of my brother Chesley. It was during that year that I was sexually assaulted and used, that my dad was trying to kill himself, my mother was losing her mind, again, and all of my siblings in the home were in shell shock. Except one, my brother who was a 21 year old man who took it upon himself to see that no one would care or even notice that he was raping me and using me for his sex toy until he moved away to Canada later that year. I was in so much pain from the sexual assaults, and had developed an infection. I was in agony, and took a risk and told my mom. My brother threatened me with sodomy again if I told, but I did not care at that point. I took a risk by telling my mom because my mom was abusing and beating me on a regular basis and I knew by my telling her, it would most likely warrant a beating from her. Her response to me was, "what do you expect me to do about it? This is not my problem, this is your problem. You deal with it!" "Wrap yourself up like a mummy when you go to bed", and that was it. That was all. She did not even bother to check me out to see if my allegations were true, she knew it was true and did nothing to stop it, allowing her 21 year old son to rape and molest her 8 year old daughter. So, the abuse continued, and I split. In order for me to survive and continue on in the world, my mind had to shut off those sexual assaults and the pain I was in, and I shut the door on her, and left her to suffer on her own. Knowing all along, somewhere deep down inside that it was me! Over the years I grieved, and then at age 13 my brother confessed to me on a long distance phone call while he was bleeding to death after slitting his wrists, that he loved touching me sexually,he loved my smooth child body and loved to be in me. I was shocked.I had put all that away, so far away, that I actually thought it was my dad. I wanted to believe it was my dad because my dad was one of my abusers and had been sexually assaulting my mother and brothers for years while I grew up. I did not WANT to believe it was my brother because I loved my brother. Standing there, holding the phone to my ear, listening to my brother say these things to me, I thought back to those horrific torturous nights and days when I was 8 years old. I was in shock because I knew on the other end of the phone my brother was in a bathtub, wrists slit, bleeding to death, and he was the brother I used to try to protect from my dad. He was the brother that was so abused by my dad, and I loved him so much. He, however, did not love me. He used me. Just as fast as he had told me this in our conversation, when I put the phone down as my mother took over the conversation having just ran to the neighbors to use their phone to call the Canadian Police and alert them to get help to my brother as he was committing suicide, I went outside in the front yard, and thought about those earlier years, all of the abuse, all of the pain, and thought about how my mother had allowed this to go on, and had abused me as well. It was after my brother had sexually used me, that the name calling got worse and she would call me a whore, a slut, a cunt, and many other horrible names. I was just a kid. That year I would begin to shut out those words my brother said. He lived. The police and ambulance got to him in time and saved him, again. He would attempt suicide many times and at the age of 33, when I was 20 he finally managed to kill himself, suicide by hanging. The next year, I was 21 and had my first gynecology check up to get on the pill. I wrote on the form that I had never had sexual intercourse and was a virgin. After the examination, the gynecologist told me, "you're no virgin, honey", and I explained that I was. She said that the physical exam showed that I was in fact not a virgin, and had sexual intercourse as a child, as the scar tissue proved sexual abuse. I told her I was a virgin. I did not want to tell her my brother raped me and sexually used me for nearly a year. This was back in 1986 and mandatory reporting had not been instated. I left the office in despair as I had told the new love of my life, my only love, that I was a virgin. In my heart I believed I was a virgin for many reasons. I did not want my brother to use me sexually, I did not ask him to rape me, I fought him every time, which is why he had to bind and gag me. It wasn't a "game", as it was violent, and meant to punish me for not letting him do what he wanted. I never wanted it! I told my boyfriend at the time, who I loved so much, as he could not understand why I was not receptive to his advances and intimacy, that I was hurt as a child, sexually abused. I did not tell him what happened, but I did tell him that someone had hurt me as a child, and I asked him not to hurt me. I took a big risk in letting this man into my life and we broke up after 2 years. He was also sexually abused by his father who was an alcoholic, and he had run away from home at the age of 13 years old to live on his own. He had so many unresolved issues, I had so many unresolved issues, so we called the relationship quits. I did not have any relationships, with any man for another seven years, until I met the man I am with now. He is a good man. He loves me. He would never hurt me. We have had our difficulties as most relationships go, but we resolve them, work them out and we love each other a little bit more each day that goes by. I would say to all of you who are survivors of abuse, do not ever give up. Do not ever stop looking for that help, or that hope! Better days are ahead, but only if we are here, and we are looking for them...keep looking for them!!

Leaving unwanted behind...learning to love ourselves

Children around the world, since the beginning of time were made to feel unwanted, told they were not wanted, and shown they were not wanted by their parent's, caregivers, families, and sometimes society itself. Looking back at my own "unwantedness" is something I face everyday as a survivor of child abuse. Having been told by my mother that I was not wanted, I was born of rape, and that I should have died with the other three stillborn babies my mother lost prior to my birth, was reinforced throughout my life from the time I was born until just before she passed away. This was also reinforced by horrific physical abuse and beatings that she would dish out to me on a regular basis as I grew up under her anger and hatred, and the devastating verbal assaults were even more regular. This had a profound effect on me as a child and I began to feel as though she should have just killed me during one of those horrific beatings, or that I should just die as a youth as I was not wanted or loved and I could see no purpose to be here, no purpose to live, and I felt as if I were already dead, and that I was just a "walking shell" of a person. This was all before the age of ten years old, and at ten years old I began to tell my mother to "go ahead and kill me" as she was often saying that she should have killed me in the past tense, or that she should kill me in the present tense. Sometimes while beating me, she would tell me, "I'm going to kill you" and a string of unmentionable curse words would accompany the threat. She literally destroyed my sense of being, my spirit, my soul, my body, as she was attempting to destroy the thing she hated, her marital rape child. I was made to pay for being born, and paid dearly for it. I began to hate life, and hate myself, and as the years rolled on, I lost a sense of who I was as my "inner child" had been killed. It has taken me a long time to bring my inner child back to life, and to learn to nurture her, to tell her she IS wanted, she IS loved, she IS needed, and that she did not deserve to be treated that way as it was not "her" fault. It's been a long hard road, but I am making progress, and it is my wish that anyone who reads this blog entry will know that ultimately, we all deserve to be here, we are here for a reason, for a purpose, and that we all do matter and count. We must learn to love ourselves, and allow ourselves to live, to grow, to give love, to receive love and to learn to "want" ourselves in order to be able to walk free from being "unwanted". Never give up! Never ever give up!

2011

Sitting here, alone and drinking coffee on this beautiful New Years day, I think to myself, "all that is required is a commitment to keep walking forward, to remember that all I need to do is take each day and night as they come, to take that one step, to know that there will be hard days and nights ahead, to accept that there will also be some good days and nights as well, and to continue to be good to myself and others, be kind to myself and others, to care about myself and others, to accept the kindness and help from my friends and those that would reach out to me to help me, and to remember to be thankful for every good thing in my life, and every good friend in my life" and as I think about these things, I think of all of us who have been so wounded, and so incredibly hurt, and I think about my inner child, and I hold my head up high for her. She no longer cowers on the floor, cowers in the corner, shakes in her bed. She no longer screams out in pain. She had to be so strong for so long in my weakness, and now that I am strong and no longer weak, she is safe and knows that it will be okay. I made a commitment to not only survive, but to allow myself to let her shine through. She was a little girl full of love in her heart, laughter and joy in her spirit, as she was born that way, God made her that way. She quickly learned to shut that all away as hatred replaced love, and laughter and joy were replaced by fear, shame, and so much pain. She became silent as I became the "ugly, hateful" child my abuser's forced me to be. But now she is free to be herself again, as I am free to allow her to shine through me. I am that little girl once again, heart full of love, laughter and joy in my spirit! Little one, precious little girl, you are loved!

Making Decisions and Living With the Consequences

The choices we make, as a result of being survivors of child abuse, will directly affect our lives in every way. I have been thinking about the recent choices I have made over the last few months, and the many choices I have made since beginning my healing journey 4 years ago. I am fully aware of the consequences that can and will happen as a result of those choices. It became clearer to me as I thought more and more about the lack of support I have from my immediately family members, and the fact that my two siblings and father are still just as co-dependent, dysfunctional, and abusive as they ever were. The thought of continuing any type of contact with them has been causing me grief and discomfort. The thought that they still believe that I should continue to play out the life script they wrote for me as a child upsets me. I made a clear choice to never allow anyone to abuse me again, and that definitely included my own immediately family as well as everyone else in my life. I feel that as a human being on this planet I deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, compassion, empathy, and kindness. My siblings and dad have never treated me that way and have continually hurt me with their words and actions and they refuse to see that their behaviour is abusive. They do not want to take a look at how they treat others, and feel it is their right to behave any way they choose. My question to myself over these many months and even the last four years is, "Do I have to continue to allow my sister, brother and dad to abuse me in any way?". The answer is NO! I made a clear choice to not allow anyone to treat me with disrespect or abuse me again. Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself is something I have always tried to do, and without hurting my sister, brother and dad, by cutting them out of my life, letting them go, moving on, and stopping all contact with them feels better to me then allowing them to remain a part of my life as they are in denial and "hate" the fact that I went public with our story of abuse, and "hate" that I am fighting to stop child abuse, and "hate" that I am on my healing journey. Any family member that would not support another family member on their healing journey, even if they did not understand the situation completely, is not going to be help, but rather a hindrance to my healing journey. It is cleary my siblings and dad's decision to make. Whether they ever decide that they need help, counselling, or therapy. I cannot make that decision for them. I believe that had we made the decision together to get family counselling, we would be able to have a good relationship, a healthy relationship. My brother, sister and dad have all said that they do not need counselling and think it is all garbage and unneccesary. As adult survivors we need to be very cautious and careful when making these types of decisions. We need to be fully aware of the consequences that will result from these types of decisions. I am 100% satisfied with my decision, due to the severity and length of the abuse I and my siblings suffered as children, due to the fact that my dad is mentally ill and mentally unstable and toxic, it is a decision I have to make in order to move forward in my healing journey. But with the decision comes the knowledge that I will always love my sister, brother and dad and wish it could have been different. Be very careful what you do when making these decisions. Be sure that you are making them for the right reasons and can live with the outcomes. We will live with the consequences for the rest of our lives. Whatever choices you make for yourself, just remember to never give up, never lose hope, and keep reaching out!

Speaking out against abuse

Sitting here this morning after finishing the Blog Talk Radio Show, I find myself thinking about last October 2009 when I went public with my story of the abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my parents and a sibling and the dysfunction that destroyed our family. Not one of my remaining direct family members except my niece has had anything to say about the fact that I went public with the story, or that I am speaking out against abuse. They have all ignored the fact that I pointed my finger point blank at my abusers, my parents, as well as the fact that one of my siblings sexually abused me as a child of 8 years old. My remaining family members are all in denial even though we have spoken about the abuse we all suffered through the years. Now, because I have gone public, they seem to have forgotten that we had numerous chats about how my parents treated each other, how they abused us, and how my sister was also very abusive to her children and husband. Now, because they have to face it, and it's public information, they are hiding in the dark behind that closed door and not supporting me or even acknowledging that abuse is wrong, ALL abuse is wrong. My sister will not even say that child abuse is wrong. She cannot bring herself to even say the words even though she knows that I volunteer with Dreamcatchers For Abused Children, and knows about the book I wrote, "A Life of Death: The Redemption". My nephew sits and scratches his head as if to say "abuse? what is that?" even though his own mother, my other sister now passed away from cancer at the age of 60, was a highly abusive woman who controlled her whole family and abused her own children and husband. Hey, she grew up in the same home I did, she was abused herself. My only living brother "hates" what I am doing and has not spoken to me for 4 years and does not even know where I live. Many times, as we come forward to reach out and get help as survivors of child abuse, our dysfunctional families will not understand, or will conceal the truths that they keep forever hidden in their own hearts and minds. They expect us to do the same and when we decide to get help and learn to cope with the abuse we suffered, they do not always support us. My family is choosing to live in denial. I have chosen to expose the truth even at the risk of further alienating myself from my dysfunctional family members. I could no longer sit in silence, keeping all of the pain, agony, despair, and grief inside me. It was literally destroying me to stay silent. Knowing that by going public with my story, it could drive a wedge between me and my family, I felt it was necessary for me to speak up, and expose the truth. This may not be for everyone and I would suggest that you think this through very carefully and realize that there are consequences to every action. Whether a survivor decided to go public with their story or not, I would say just make sure you reach out and get some help. You did not deserve the abuse, no one does. If you are being abused, make sure you reach out and get some help! Save your life!

Never give up!

Thinking about the show topic from today's show, Dave Decker from Angeresources.com wrote about the "Myth's About Domestic Abuse" from his website http://www.angeresources.com and as I was reading aloud myth number 16 that "Many abused women actually like the conflict and the abuse
• i.e. they like the "pain" and chaos and they are "masochistic" I thought back to the many times I have heard that in my lifetime and even said it myself. I thought back to my mom's situation and how she could have left the abusive marriage she was in and divorced my dad and had every opportunity to get help, and she chose to stay. As a child I could never understand why she would allow herself to be abused by my dad and had heard my older siblings plead with her to get out of the marriage and start a new life for herself. We were of course hoping she would take us with her, but even suggested that she leave us in the home with my dad and that we just wanted her to be happy and would be okay if she just got herself out. As I grew older and the abuse continued on and on, day after day, month after month and year after year I became bitter about the abuse I was suffering at her hands and at my dad's hands and became soured in my ways of thinking and believed that she stayed because she "must have liked the chaos and abuse". As a teen-ager I even tried to convince her to leave my dad and told her that I would work and her and I could get an apartment together and I was even willing to overlook the abuse she had been inflicting upon me my whole life. I cared very much for my mom even though she cared very little about herself or her children and that included me. She would not accept my offer and chose to stay. I would often think about it as a young adult and thought to myself that she must have enjoyed the horror's of living with my dad and also believed that she enjoyed abusing me as I was born out of marital rape and she made it very clear that she did not love me or want me and should have killed me at birth. I continued to love her deep down inside my heart, and all the while my mind and my crushed spirit hated what my parents had done to each other and to us, their seven children. All of her children wanted her to be happy and healthy and did not want to see her abused and end up a bitter woman on her death bed, which is exactly the way it went. My mom did not enjoy being abused, she did not enjoy being raped, she did not enjoy being made to feel worthless and she did not deserve any of the abuse she was forced to endure by her own mother and then by her husband. If you are in this situation or have been, make sure you get help. Call a crisis line if you have to. Do whatever you can to hold on and get some help. Never ever give up! It's not an option! You do count, you do matter. You do not deserve to suffer or be abused. No one deserves to be abused. No one likes to be abused or enjoys being abused. Please reach out and never stop reaching out until you get the help you so deserve!!

The Shame-Rage Connection

So many of us have had to deal with the issues of anger and rage in our lives due to the abuse that we suffered as children. As a youth I had some very real issues with anger and rage that profoundly affected my life and the lives of everyone around me. I spent years trying to learn to cope better with the shame, anger and rage that consumed me from the time I was a young girl. It took me years to learn to change my behaviour as I realized that my behaviour was wrong and that I truly did not want to hurt anyone. I began to repress the anger and rage deep down inside me, not allowing myself to express my anger or rage because of the abuse I suffered. This nearly destroyed me as I had no way to deal or cope with those emotions. I am now learning just how the shame-rage connection had impacted my life and learning how to cope and nurture my raging inner child. I encourage anyone who has been through this to keep looking for help, keep looking for hope and keep reaching out. Please check out the website from Dave Decker and Mike Obsatz at http://www.angeresources.com for more information regarding the shame-rage connection. Take care everyone! Keep reaching out!! YOU do count! YOU do matter!!

Keep Holding On to HOPE

Wow..it has been awhile since I last posted an entry on here...I have been very busy..and just trying to find some sort of "organization" in my life...I know that you all know what I'm talking about....I continue to hold on to HOPE in every area of my life, hope that all children's rights advocates will be VICTORIOUS and stop child abuse, hope that all survivor's of child abuse of any kind will finally feel what it's like to love, to know love, to love ourselves, and to love others and to be free from the pain of suffering in childhood. It is a daily walk, a daily trial, a daily tribulation.....and daily...we must hold on to HOPE!! Keep walking my friends, keep looking for that peace in our hearts, in our souls, our spirits! I do believe we will find it!!

My Book is Available Everyone!!!

Wow!! Do I ever have some exciting news!! My book, my story is published and available for purchase! All proceeds from the book are going directly to Dreamcatchers For Abused Children to help in the education, awareness and prevention to stop child abuse! It is my wish, and Dreamcatchers For Abused Children are honoring it and that makes me happy. I do not want money for this book..I want to help save children's lives and help get the word out that child abuse is so so wrong and we need to stop child abuse now! I hope you will pass the word on ....share the link...purchase a copy..and save a child's life!! Bestselling Author and President of Dreamcatchers For Abused Children Donna Kshir saw my blog, read it, and asked me if she could publish my story. I thought that was a nice offer, but could not believe that she was serious. I waited a month or so and thought, hey..how many times does a bestselling author offer to publish a story..?? So, I asked her if she still wanted to publish the book and she said yes and the rest is history. CEO and Founder of Dreamcatchers For Abused Children, and Author Sandra Dawn Potter and Donna Kshir edited the book and left it in my voice. They left the story as I had written it, from my own voice!! How great is that..they literally handed me the key to the locks on the chains to my prison door of silence and allowed my voice to be heard, for this I am eternally grateful. I know that the proceeds from this book will be used to help further the work being done to provide vital services to child abuse victims and survivors everywhere and I am so happy they are allowing me to donate all proceeds to Dreamcatchers For Abused Children! This makes me very happy! Money just cannot buy this kind of happiness or relief to know that many childrens lives will be made better as we continue to fight against child abuse, and fight to get the word out to the public and raise awareness, and educate the public on the issues surrounding child abuse!! Thanks everyone for all your support and mostly for your friendship..it means everything to me...

"A Life of Death: The Redemption" (A True Story) by Laurie Ann Smith is available at Lulu..and soon Amazon and other publishing companies..

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/a-life-of-death-the-redemption/8500324

Just Keep Holding On and Reaching OUT!!

Hi everyone! I love Fridays!! They make me happy!! It's the day when most of us who work a regular day job at the office begin to feel a sense of freedom coming...a week of busy workloads and just trying to get everything done at work and in our personal lives! It can be a great time to just think about the weekend and the possibility of getting some much needed rest, or just time to read a good book we started and have not finished, or to catch up with friends we haven't seen in a while. For me, it is a time of reflection and a time to spend with my sweetheart who is terminally ill. We always spend at least one day together on the weekend and just enjoy sitting together, cooking dinner and watching a movie or some sports, his favorite thing to do..not mine, or just talk...and for me this weekend brings another chapter in my blog Not So Fond Memories,Growing Up in an Abusive Home, you can read it if you like...it is GRAPHIC and I do warn people to be aware of that before reading it..I am ready to write a new chapter which means looking back on some times in my life that were very dark, and very disturbing to recall, but I do it for the purpose of letting other survivors of child abuse of any kind, that they are not alone and that by me speaking up and sharing my story, they too might know that what happened to them was not their fault and that they did not deserve to be treated the way that they were. None of us do, and none of the children out there right now who are being abused as I write this blog entry deserve to be abused. It is my hope that my personal story will encourage others who have experienced child abuse to reach out to someone, anyone they feel trustworthy and not suffer in silence. My thoughts are with you this weekend! Be safe in all you do!

The ASCA's Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Survivor to Thriver Workbook

Hello everyone...here is a great website and resource for adult survivors of any type and all types of child abuse. The ASCA, Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, A Morris Center Program has a Survivor to Thriver Workbook that I am working through right now and you can find this at http://www.ascasupport.org

One Child Abuse Survivor 2 another....

Welcome, this blog is ulitimately a place where people such as myself who have experienced child abuse of any kind can come together and share our stories, share our triumphs, share our pain, share our compassion toward one another and hopefully find some healing and hope along the way....anyone can post on this blog, although I will be moderating comments due to the sensitivity of the issue of child abuse, and the fact that I want everyone to feel comfortable here, and not have to be subjected to more abuse from anyone. Please feel free to share resources that you found helpful, other blog sites for survivors like us who are in search of more healing material and keep in mind that this is a PUBLIC blog and many people will hopefully be a part of it, and sharing it as well, so make sure that you are okay with your posts being on a public facing blog...and most of all, I hope that you will find some healing and some hope and just know that we must keep reaching out...for professional help, for support from other survivors, and for the possibility of having a good life, a healthy life, a life we deserve to have...a good life...