Another Test of Boundaries

Hello friends, it has been a while since I last posted a blog entry and I have no real good excuse other than being completely exhausted and busy looking for a stable full time job. I had another opportunity to test my boundary limits two days ago, when my old "abuser" dad showed up at my front door again. I heard a knock and looked out the peep hole, as I live in a big city and you just don't open your door without knowing who is on the other side. Well, lo and behold it was my dad, on the other side of the door peeking into my peephole. I did not let him in and quietly went back into the livingroom hoping he would go away, which he did. I wanted to let him in and talk with him, make him a nice lunch and send him home in a taxi, but I could not do it. I knew from past experience that there is no changing with this man who is my earthly bioligical father. That is all he is. He was never a "dad" to me or any of my siblings. He was hurtful and abusive to his whole family and I just could not let him in. Part of me wanted to because I am his "daughter", and part of me wants to be that loving daughter towards him, but I already know where that will go, and what that will get me, more heartache and more rage. He has not changed, and after nearly 90 years on the planet, he shows no signs of changing. His mental instability and illness keeps him on a cycle of abusive behaviours and other bad personality disorders. After a while, I was relieved that I did not let him in as he would have found a way to hurt me within a matter of minutes. He can no longer physically hurt me, as he had done to me as a child, but he rips my heart to pieces every chance he gets. He is not deserving of my love. He is not deserving of my care. He is not deserving of my time. I cried for a while after he left and realized that this boundary of no contact with him is what I need for me to feel okay, and for me to not continue to let him hurt me anymore. I was happy that my boundary held, and today I am much stronger for it. Peace to you all, may you find the answers you are looking for and grow stronger everyday.

Making Decisions and Living With the Consequences

The choices we make, as a result of being survivors of child abuse, will directly affect our lives in every way. I have been thinking about the recent choices I have made over the last few months, and the many choices I have made since beginning my healing journey 4 years ago. I am fully aware of the consequences that can and will happen as a result of those choices. It became clearer to me as I thought more and more about the lack of support I have from my immediately family members, and the fact that my two siblings and father are still just as co-dependent, dysfunctional, and abusive as they ever were. The thought of continuing any type of contact with them has been causing me grief and discomfort. The thought that they still believe that I should continue to play out the life script they wrote for me as a child upsets me. I made a clear choice to never allow anyone to abuse me again, and that definitely included my own immediately family as well as everyone else in my life. I feel that as a human being on this planet I deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, compassion, empathy, and kindness. My siblings and dad have never treated me that way and have continually hurt me with their words and actions and they refuse to see that their behaviour is abusive. They do not want to take a look at how they treat others, and feel it is their right to behave any way they choose. My question to myself over these many months and even the last four years is, "Do I have to continue to allow my sister, brother and dad to abuse me in any way?". The answer is NO! I made a clear choice to not allow anyone to treat me with disrespect or abuse me again. Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself is something I have always tried to do, and without hurting my sister, brother and dad, by cutting them out of my life, letting them go, moving on, and stopping all contact with them feels better to me then allowing them to remain a part of my life as they are in denial and "hate" the fact that I went public with our story of abuse, and "hate" that I am fighting to stop child abuse, and "hate" that I am on my healing journey. Any family member that would not support another family member on their healing journey, even if they did not understand the situation completely, is not going to be help, but rather a hindrance to my healing journey. It is cleary my siblings and dad's decision to make. Whether they ever decide that they need help, counselling, or therapy. I cannot make that decision for them. I believe that had we made the decision together to get family counselling, we would be able to have a good relationship, a healthy relationship. My brother, sister and dad have all said that they do not need counselling and think it is all garbage and unneccesary. As adult survivors we need to be very cautious and careful when making these types of decisions. We need to be fully aware of the consequences that will result from these types of decisions. I am 100% satisfied with my decision, due to the severity and length of the abuse I and my siblings suffered as children, due to the fact that my dad is mentally ill and mentally unstable and toxic, it is a decision I have to make in order to move forward in my healing journey. But with the decision comes the knowledge that I will always love my sister, brother and dad and wish it could have been different. Be very careful what you do when making these decisions. Be sure that you are making them for the right reasons and can live with the outcomes. We will live with the consequences for the rest of our lives. Whatever choices you make for yourself, just remember to never give up, never lose hope, and keep reaching out!

Speaking out against abuse

Sitting here this morning after finishing the Blog Talk Radio Show, I find myself thinking about last October 2009 when I went public with my story of the abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my parents and a sibling and the dysfunction that destroyed our family. Not one of my remaining direct family members except my niece has had anything to say about the fact that I went public with the story, or that I am speaking out against abuse. They have all ignored the fact that I pointed my finger point blank at my abusers, my parents, as well as the fact that one of my siblings sexually abused me as a child of 8 years old. My remaining family members are all in denial even though we have spoken about the abuse we all suffered through the years. Now, because I have gone public, they seem to have forgotten that we had numerous chats about how my parents treated each other, how they abused us, and how my sister was also very abusive to her children and husband. Now, because they have to face it, and it's public information, they are hiding in the dark behind that closed door and not supporting me or even acknowledging that abuse is wrong, ALL abuse is wrong. My sister will not even say that child abuse is wrong. She cannot bring herself to even say the words even though she knows that I volunteer with Dreamcatchers For Abused Children, and knows about the book I wrote, "A Life of Death: The Redemption". My nephew sits and scratches his head as if to say "abuse? what is that?" even though his own mother, my other sister now passed away from cancer at the age of 60, was a highly abusive woman who controlled her whole family and abused her own children and husband. Hey, she grew up in the same home I did, she was abused herself. My only living brother "hates" what I am doing and has not spoken to me for 4 years and does not even know where I live. Many times, as we come forward to reach out and get help as survivors of child abuse, our dysfunctional families will not understand, or will conceal the truths that they keep forever hidden in their own hearts and minds. They expect us to do the same and when we decide to get help and learn to cope with the abuse we suffered, they do not always support us. My family is choosing to live in denial. I have chosen to expose the truth even at the risk of further alienating myself from my dysfunctional family members. I could no longer sit in silence, keeping all of the pain, agony, despair, and grief inside me. It was literally destroying me to stay silent. Knowing that by going public with my story, it could drive a wedge between me and my family, I felt it was necessary for me to speak up, and expose the truth. This may not be for everyone and I would suggest that you think this through very carefully and realize that there are consequences to every action. Whether a survivor decided to go public with their story or not, I would say just make sure you reach out and get some help. You did not deserve the abuse, no one does. If you are being abused, make sure you reach out and get some help! Save your life!