Another Test of Boundaries

Hello friends, it has been a while since I last posted a blog entry and I have no real good excuse other than being completely exhausted and busy looking for a stable full time job. I had another opportunity to test my boundary limits two days ago, when my old "abuser" dad showed up at my front door again. I heard a knock and looked out the peep hole, as I live in a big city and you just don't open your door without knowing who is on the other side. Well, lo and behold it was my dad, on the other side of the door peeking into my peephole. I did not let him in and quietly went back into the livingroom hoping he would go away, which he did. I wanted to let him in and talk with him, make him a nice lunch and send him home in a taxi, but I could not do it. I knew from past experience that there is no changing with this man who is my earthly bioligical father. That is all he is. He was never a "dad" to me or any of my siblings. He was hurtful and abusive to his whole family and I just could not let him in. Part of me wanted to because I am his "daughter", and part of me wants to be that loving daughter towards him, but I already know where that will go, and what that will get me, more heartache and more rage. He has not changed, and after nearly 90 years on the planet, he shows no signs of changing. His mental instability and illness keeps him on a cycle of abusive behaviours and other bad personality disorders. After a while, I was relieved that I did not let him in as he would have found a way to hurt me within a matter of minutes. He can no longer physically hurt me, as he had done to me as a child, but he rips my heart to pieces every chance he gets. He is not deserving of my love. He is not deserving of my care. He is not deserving of my time. I cried for a while after he left and realized that this boundary of no contact with him is what I need for me to feel okay, and for me to not continue to let him hurt me anymore. I was happy that my boundary held, and today I am much stronger for it. Peace to you all, may you find the answers you are looking for and grow stronger everyday.

Unexpected meet up with my abuser dad threw me a curveball

Yesterday was just like any one of my normal days. I woke up, did the show on Blog Talk Radio and later that morning got ready and went out to the grocery store. When I returned, I came in the door of my apartment, and my sweetheart was standing in the entry way by the kitchen and said to me, "Your dad is in the living room", my first reaction was one of anxiety, mixed with a little anger. I put the frozen food items away first as I had purchased some ice cream that I did not want to melt. While digging through the freezer, making room for these new frozen foods I had bought, my dad was talking to me from the living room. Many things were going through my mind. Should I tell him to leave. He's an 88 year old man. Why did Cecil let him in when he knows I don't want to see him and have cut all of my family off from my life? Why does my dad insist on seeing me when he knows that he is toxic for me, and I am toxic for him? I calmly stuffed everything in the freezer, and then put the refrigerator items away, closed the fridge door and walked into the living room. There sat my abuser dad. This date would mark almost a one year anniversary of him moving out from my apartment into a seniors lodge, July 2010. It had been one year since he had been in my apartment and I liked it that way. We did a "polite" but estranged father/daughter hug. He wanted to tell me all about his new hearing aids, and how things were going at the lodge. He said to me after awhile, "I was wondering if I'd ever get to see you again", which hurt me to the core. That is exactly what is twisted and so hurtful about our non existent relationship is that my dad, being borderline schizophrenic, and having borderline personality disorders, knows the words, he knows "what" to say to a person to make them believe that he cares, and does truly have love in his heart. BUT, I know him better! The year he stayed with me, July 2009 to July 2010 was a nightmare and a year I want to put behind me. I let him stay with me because no other family member would let him stay with them. They refused. My sister, and brother both said "no way", and so I told him he would have one year to find suitable seniors lodging, and truthfully I was hoping we would get along and actually be able to "BUILD" a relationship that we never had as I was growing up under my parents abusive evil doings. There he sat, smiling and grinning from ear to ear, I knew how this went. I completely see this man for who he REALLY is, while my family, my sister, my brother, his wife and my nephew all play the "game" with him. They all play "denial" and I suppose it's the only thing they know how to do, and the only way they know how to live. After a few moments I told my dad that I could not hang around and do the "family thing" anymore, for the very reason that I cannot do "denial" anymore, and that he and the others would just have to continue on in denial without me. He got the message loud and clear. I made him a sandwich as I knew he had missed lunch at the seniors lodge and would be hungry. We talked for a bit, and then he had to go and catch his seniors ride back to the seniors lodge. He was in my apartment for about one hour. After he left, I was upset, but not like I would have been before beginning my healing journey. I could feel a sense of control in my life, in my behaviours, a sense of knowing "my needs" and I began to realize that I am truly making progress to change my co-dependant behaviours I was forced to learn and take on as a child and continue in them as an adult. I am sticking with my decision to stay away from my abusive co-dependant family members, as I am 100% better without them. I knew I would not be able to truly heal with them in my life and I am so glad I finally decided to "care about myself and put myself first" instead of my abuser family's needs. It was a trying day, but at the end of it, I was glad to see that I handled it quite well, did not lose my temper, did not regress backwards in my healing journey and chalked it up to a good trial run to see if I can actually learn to "defend" myself and stand up for my rights, and needs. I hope that you will do the same. Never compromise your needs over someone who is hurting you, and abusing you. Never stop looking for that help and that hope where you can find it! Keep holding on...never give up!