That Old Familiar Feeling

It has been over a year since my last post here on this blog and I must say it has been a year of ups and downs, as it is for most people. This last few weeks a very familiar feeling has been creeping up on me, thoughts of the horror of the abuse my siblings and myself suffered as children and teens, the feelings of inner sadness and a feeling of underlying anger come closer and closer to the surface as each week goes by. I have many triggers, and some of the most serious triggers for me are dates on the calendar. I do not like to call them "anniversaries" as that is a term that normally describes good times and not usually specific memories of abuse. Many of us survivors remember these times and during the course of a year, they can be very discomforting. Summer is a trigger for me as I grew up on the hot, dry semi-desert of New Mexico, and it was during the summer that much of the physical, emotional, verbal abuse was lashed out upon me, and it was during the summer of 1973 that the sexual abuse I suffered began and continued until late fall. It was summer when my dad physically injured me during a beating, and this injury to my hip has plagued me my whole life. Lately my hip has started working itself out of place, and this is also a trigger for me. Also, for one year now, my commute to work everyday takes me by the seniors lodge where my aging abuser dad lives. Someday's I don't think too much about it, and others I have mixed thoughts. Someday's I feel anger rising up within me as I think of him and remember what he did to my family members. Other times I feel a sadness that I will never have a decent loving relationship with a dad who was supposed to love me and take care of me. Many mixed emotions result as I pass by that location every day of the week. I would take a different route but this would cause my daily commute to increase to over 2 hours each way, so I decided to learn to live with it. I have several trigger dates on the calendar coming up soon and as they approach, I must have a plan in place to not allow myself to lose the accomplished work of working through my issues in order to heal. I will go back and re-read many of the books that I studied to help me through the first part of my healing journey, and I will meditate on a regular basis and stay in faith. I do not like to think about this one fact, and that is the knowledge that I will probably always have these issues of triggers to deal with, but now I know that there are many things I can do to help me get through them and grow with each trigger as they come along. This has placed the control and power in my arena, and this is a very positive move in my healing journey. Love and peace to you all. Never give up, no matter how tough the journey!

Unexpected meet up with my abuser dad threw me a curveball

Yesterday was just like any one of my normal days. I woke up, did the show on Blog Talk Radio and later that morning got ready and went out to the grocery store. When I returned, I came in the door of my apartment, and my sweetheart was standing in the entry way by the kitchen and said to me, "Your dad is in the living room", my first reaction was one of anxiety, mixed with a little anger. I put the frozen food items away first as I had purchased some ice cream that I did not want to melt. While digging through the freezer, making room for these new frozen foods I had bought, my dad was talking to me from the living room. Many things were going through my mind. Should I tell him to leave. He's an 88 year old man. Why did Cecil let him in when he knows I don't want to see him and have cut all of my family off from my life? Why does my dad insist on seeing me when he knows that he is toxic for me, and I am toxic for him? I calmly stuffed everything in the freezer, and then put the refrigerator items away, closed the fridge door and walked into the living room. There sat my abuser dad. This date would mark almost a one year anniversary of him moving out from my apartment into a seniors lodge, July 2010. It had been one year since he had been in my apartment and I liked it that way. We did a "polite" but estranged father/daughter hug. He wanted to tell me all about his new hearing aids, and how things were going at the lodge. He said to me after awhile, "I was wondering if I'd ever get to see you again", which hurt me to the core. That is exactly what is twisted and so hurtful about our non existent relationship is that my dad, being borderline schizophrenic, and having borderline personality disorders, knows the words, he knows "what" to say to a person to make them believe that he cares, and does truly have love in his heart. BUT, I know him better! The year he stayed with me, July 2009 to July 2010 was a nightmare and a year I want to put behind me. I let him stay with me because no other family member would let him stay with them. They refused. My sister, and brother both said "no way", and so I told him he would have one year to find suitable seniors lodging, and truthfully I was hoping we would get along and actually be able to "BUILD" a relationship that we never had as I was growing up under my parents abusive evil doings. There he sat, smiling and grinning from ear to ear, I knew how this went. I completely see this man for who he REALLY is, while my family, my sister, my brother, his wife and my nephew all play the "game" with him. They all play "denial" and I suppose it's the only thing they know how to do, and the only way they know how to live. After a few moments I told my dad that I could not hang around and do the "family thing" anymore, for the very reason that I cannot do "denial" anymore, and that he and the others would just have to continue on in denial without me. He got the message loud and clear. I made him a sandwich as I knew he had missed lunch at the seniors lodge and would be hungry. We talked for a bit, and then he had to go and catch his seniors ride back to the seniors lodge. He was in my apartment for about one hour. After he left, I was upset, but not like I would have been before beginning my healing journey. I could feel a sense of control in my life, in my behaviours, a sense of knowing "my needs" and I began to realize that I am truly making progress to change my co-dependant behaviours I was forced to learn and take on as a child and continue in them as an adult. I am sticking with my decision to stay away from my abusive co-dependant family members, as I am 100% better without them. I knew I would not be able to truly heal with them in my life and I am so glad I finally decided to "care about myself and put myself first" instead of my abuser family's needs. It was a trying day, but at the end of it, I was glad to see that I handled it quite well, did not lose my temper, did not regress backwards in my healing journey and chalked it up to a good trial run to see if I can actually learn to "defend" myself and stand up for my rights, and needs. I hope that you will do the same. Never compromise your needs over someone who is hurting you, and abusing you. Never stop looking for that help and that hope where you can find it! Keep holding on...never give up!

One Child Abuse Survivor 2 another....

Welcome, this blog is ulitimately a place where people such as myself who have experienced child abuse of any kind can come together and share our stories, share our triumphs, share our pain, share our compassion toward one another and hopefully find some healing and hope along the way....anyone can post on this blog, although I will be moderating comments due to the sensitivity of the issue of child abuse, and the fact that I want everyone to feel comfortable here, and not have to be subjected to more abuse from anyone. Please feel free to share resources that you found helpful, other blog sites for survivors like us who are in search of more healing material and keep in mind that this is a PUBLIC blog and many people will hopefully be a part of it, and sharing it as well, so make sure that you are okay with your posts being on a public facing blog...and most of all, I hope that you will find some healing and some hope and just know that we must keep reaching out...for professional help, for support from other survivors, and for the possibility of having a good life, a healthy life, a life we deserve to have...a good life...