Another Test of Boundaries

Hello friends, it has been a while since I last posted a blog entry and I have no real good excuse other than being completely exhausted and busy looking for a stable full time job. I had another opportunity to test my boundary limits two days ago, when my old "abuser" dad showed up at my front door again. I heard a knock and looked out the peep hole, as I live in a big city and you just don't open your door without knowing who is on the other side. Well, lo and behold it was my dad, on the other side of the door peeking into my peephole. I did not let him in and quietly went back into the livingroom hoping he would go away, which he did. I wanted to let him in and talk with him, make him a nice lunch and send him home in a taxi, but I could not do it. I knew from past experience that there is no changing with this man who is my earthly bioligical father. That is all he is. He was never a "dad" to me or any of my siblings. He was hurtful and abusive to his whole family and I just could not let him in. Part of me wanted to because I am his "daughter", and part of me wants to be that loving daughter towards him, but I already know where that will go, and what that will get me, more heartache and more rage. He has not changed, and after nearly 90 years on the planet, he shows no signs of changing. His mental instability and illness keeps him on a cycle of abusive behaviours and other bad personality disorders. After a while, I was relieved that I did not let him in as he would have found a way to hurt me within a matter of minutes. He can no longer physically hurt me, as he had done to me as a child, but he rips my heart to pieces every chance he gets. He is not deserving of my love. He is not deserving of my care. He is not deserving of my time. I cried for a while after he left and realized that this boundary of no contact with him is what I need for me to feel okay, and for me to not continue to let him hurt me anymore. I was happy that my boundary held, and today I am much stronger for it. Peace to you all, may you find the answers you are looking for and grow stronger everyday.

2011

Sitting here, alone and drinking coffee on this beautiful New Years day, I think to myself, "all that is required is a commitment to keep walking forward, to remember that all I need to do is take each day and night as they come, to take that one step, to know that there will be hard days and nights ahead, to accept that there will also be some good days and nights as well, and to continue to be good to myself and others, be kind to myself and others, to care about myself and others, to accept the kindness and help from my friends and those that would reach out to me to help me, and to remember to be thankful for every good thing in my life, and every good friend in my life" and as I think about these things, I think of all of us who have been so wounded, and so incredibly hurt, and I think about my inner child, and I hold my head up high for her. She no longer cowers on the floor, cowers in the corner, shakes in her bed. She no longer screams out in pain. She had to be so strong for so long in my weakness, and now that I am strong and no longer weak, she is safe and knows that it will be okay. I made a commitment to not only survive, but to allow myself to let her shine through. She was a little girl full of love in her heart, laughter and joy in her spirit, as she was born that way, God made her that way. She quickly learned to shut that all away as hatred replaced love, and laughter and joy were replaced by fear, shame, and so much pain. She became silent as I became the "ugly, hateful" child my abuser's forced me to be. But now she is free to be herself again, as I am free to allow her to shine through me. I am that little girl once again, heart full of love, laughter and joy in my spirit! Little one, precious little girl, you are loved!