That Old Familiar Feeling

It has been over a year since my last post here on this blog and I must say it has been a year of ups and downs, as it is for most people. This last few weeks a very familiar feeling has been creeping up on me, thoughts of the horror of the abuse my siblings and myself suffered as children and teens, the feelings of inner sadness and a feeling of underlying anger come closer and closer to the surface as each week goes by. I have many triggers, and some of the most serious triggers for me are dates on the calendar. I do not like to call them "anniversaries" as that is a term that normally describes good times and not usually specific memories of abuse. Many of us survivors remember these times and during the course of a year, they can be very discomforting. Summer is a trigger for me as I grew up on the hot, dry semi-desert of New Mexico, and it was during the summer that much of the physical, emotional, verbal abuse was lashed out upon me, and it was during the summer of 1973 that the sexual abuse I suffered began and continued until late fall. It was summer when my dad physically injured me during a beating, and this injury to my hip has plagued me my whole life. Lately my hip has started working itself out of place, and this is also a trigger for me. Also, for one year now, my commute to work everyday takes me by the seniors lodge where my aging abuser dad lives. Someday's I don't think too much about it, and others I have mixed thoughts. Someday's I feel anger rising up within me as I think of him and remember what he did to my family members. Other times I feel a sadness that I will never have a decent loving relationship with a dad who was supposed to love me and take care of me. Many mixed emotions result as I pass by that location every day of the week. I would take a different route but this would cause my daily commute to increase to over 2 hours each way, so I decided to learn to live with it. I have several trigger dates on the calendar coming up soon and as they approach, I must have a plan in place to not allow myself to lose the accomplished work of working through my issues in order to heal. I will go back and re-read many of the books that I studied to help me through the first part of my healing journey, and I will meditate on a regular basis and stay in faith. I do not like to think about this one fact, and that is the knowledge that I will probably always have these issues of triggers to deal with, but now I know that there are many things I can do to help me get through them and grow with each trigger as they come along. This has placed the control and power in my arena, and this is a very positive move in my healing journey. Love and peace to you all. Never give up, no matter how tough the journey!

Another Test of Boundaries

Hello friends, it has been a while since I last posted a blog entry and I have no real good excuse other than being completely exhausted and busy looking for a stable full time job. I had another opportunity to test my boundary limits two days ago, when my old "abuser" dad showed up at my front door again. I heard a knock and looked out the peep hole, as I live in a big city and you just don't open your door without knowing who is on the other side. Well, lo and behold it was my dad, on the other side of the door peeking into my peephole. I did not let him in and quietly went back into the livingroom hoping he would go away, which he did. I wanted to let him in and talk with him, make him a nice lunch and send him home in a taxi, but I could not do it. I knew from past experience that there is no changing with this man who is my earthly bioligical father. That is all he is. He was never a "dad" to me or any of my siblings. He was hurtful and abusive to his whole family and I just could not let him in. Part of me wanted to because I am his "daughter", and part of me wants to be that loving daughter towards him, but I already know where that will go, and what that will get me, more heartache and more rage. He has not changed, and after nearly 90 years on the planet, he shows no signs of changing. His mental instability and illness keeps him on a cycle of abusive behaviours and other bad personality disorders. After a while, I was relieved that I did not let him in as he would have found a way to hurt me within a matter of minutes. He can no longer physically hurt me, as he had done to me as a child, but he rips my heart to pieces every chance he gets. He is not deserving of my love. He is not deserving of my care. He is not deserving of my time. I cried for a while after he left and realized that this boundary of no contact with him is what I need for me to feel okay, and for me to not continue to let him hurt me anymore. I was happy that my boundary held, and today I am much stronger for it. Peace to you all, may you find the answers you are looking for and grow stronger everyday.

Continuing the Mission to End Child Abuse

It has been a few months since my last post, and I have been busy with many projects. I wrote and published my third book, "One Child Abuse Survivor 2 Another: The Journey in October 2011, and have since then been busy doing my usual routine of Blog Talk Radio shows, and speaking out where I can. I hope to be able to continue to reach as many poeple as possible, the public, and survivors of child abuse. We just do what we can with the time and resources we have. Writing my latest book was hard as it is about the child sexual abuse, incest, rape and sodomy I suffered at 8 years old. It was painful, but so necessary for my healing journey to spend this last year getting in touch with the horrific memories, working through the pain, the body memories, the nightmares and the tragic reality of what the sexual abuse did to my entire being, mind, body, and spirit. I come out of it in a better place then when I started, and I hope that other survivors of incest and csa, will hold on, look for that help and keep that hope alive!

Truth, Honor, Respect and Dignity

Throughout my life, standing up for what I believe in has always been my way. I have done some horrible things in my lifetime, that at the time seemed justifiable and seemed appropriate. Later on in my life I realized, after taking a good long hard look at my behaviours, why I did what I did and my reasonings behind them, I knew they were wrong. I began to focus on the knowledge of "TRUTH", that word that means so much in this world. I began to realize that there is a difference between "RIGHT" and "WRONG", there is a difference between "LIGHT" and "DARKNESS". When I was a child growing up in a home full of abuse, darkness, evil doings, I knew what was right and what was wrong. I knew that it was not right for my Dad to do what he was doing to my Mother, beating her, raping her, cursing her, loathing her. I knew it was wrong that my Dad was hurting his children, beating on us, cursing us, loathing us. I also knew that what my Mother was doing to her children and to me was wrong. Beating on us, hurting us, and taking the full brunt of her anger, rage, pain, torture, sick and twisted warped attitudes towards me, was WRONG!! I knew that what my 21 year old brother did to me at the age of 8 years old was wrong, tying me up, gagging me and sodomizing and raping me and sexually using me, WAS WRONG!! As an adult I looked back at all that had happened to my family, to me, and it was all so incredibly WRONG!! I began to search my heart and wanted to seperate "right" from "wrong" and it became very important for me, in order for me to learn to treat others with dignity and respect, as I had never been shown any dignity or respect in my lifetime within my home from my parents or my siblings. I had to LEARN how to treat myself with dignity and respect, and I had to learn how to treat others the same way. I had to put everything in it's proper place, and learn that hurting people is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Along the road, I learned that we are going to make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. Not one of us can honestly say or believe that we are infallible and perfect. I started to realize that, because I was abused and treated so badly my whole life by my parents and siblings, I was not very good at INSISTING ON RESPECT, INSISTING ON DIGNITY and I would quickly shut people out of my life who had hurt me, who had said or done things to me that were hurtful and did not apologize for. In doing that, I found myself very much alone. I am not sure why people feel the need to hurt people and then feel completely justified in doing so. This has always bothered me. My abuser Dad, who is still living, has always done this, never taking responsibility for his actions. My abuser Mother who is long dead, would never apologize or try to make amends for her horrific and twisted behaviours and injurious actions towards me. In my adult life, I have found that most people, will hurt everyone at some point, it's inevitable. What I WILL NOT TOLERATE are those people who are too full of themselves to make amends, or at least try. I am trying to learn to be willing to accept an apology, and to learn to move forward in relationships, no matter what kind they are. Having said that, I will NEVER compromise my integrity, my dignity, my self worth, my honor by allowing someone, ANYONE to use me, to mistreat me, to abuse me again!! It's THAT simple! I have made mistakes in my lifetime and still do, I am quick to apologize and quick to forgive if the person makes a "SINCERE" attempt to make amends and take responsibility for their actions. I WILL NEVER ALLOW ANYONE TO HURT ME, USE ME, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME, ABUSE ME, MANIPULATE ME AGAIN!! WE, as survivors of abuse, must care enough about ourselves to DEMAND RESPECT, DEMAND DIGNIFIED TREATMENT! If we truly stand up for the truth, and are honestly going to defend the truth, and what is right, what is good, what is decent, what is proper behaviour, then we must demand that for ourselves, and we in turn must treat others with that same respect and dignity that we so deserve. Never compromise yourself for another, to be used and hurt. Treat yourself with dignity and respect, and demand others do the same! Peace to you all.

Unexpected meet up with my abuser dad threw me a curveball

Yesterday was just like any one of my normal days. I woke up, did the show on Blog Talk Radio and later that morning got ready and went out to the grocery store. When I returned, I came in the door of my apartment, and my sweetheart was standing in the entry way by the kitchen and said to me, "Your dad is in the living room", my first reaction was one of anxiety, mixed with a little anger. I put the frozen food items away first as I had purchased some ice cream that I did not want to melt. While digging through the freezer, making room for these new frozen foods I had bought, my dad was talking to me from the living room. Many things were going through my mind. Should I tell him to leave. He's an 88 year old man. Why did Cecil let him in when he knows I don't want to see him and have cut all of my family off from my life? Why does my dad insist on seeing me when he knows that he is toxic for me, and I am toxic for him? I calmly stuffed everything in the freezer, and then put the refrigerator items away, closed the fridge door and walked into the living room. There sat my abuser dad. This date would mark almost a one year anniversary of him moving out from my apartment into a seniors lodge, July 2010. It had been one year since he had been in my apartment and I liked it that way. We did a "polite" but estranged father/daughter hug. He wanted to tell me all about his new hearing aids, and how things were going at the lodge. He said to me after awhile, "I was wondering if I'd ever get to see you again", which hurt me to the core. That is exactly what is twisted and so hurtful about our non existent relationship is that my dad, being borderline schizophrenic, and having borderline personality disorders, knows the words, he knows "what" to say to a person to make them believe that he cares, and does truly have love in his heart. BUT, I know him better! The year he stayed with me, July 2009 to July 2010 was a nightmare and a year I want to put behind me. I let him stay with me because no other family member would let him stay with them. They refused. My sister, and brother both said "no way", and so I told him he would have one year to find suitable seniors lodging, and truthfully I was hoping we would get along and actually be able to "BUILD" a relationship that we never had as I was growing up under my parents abusive evil doings. There he sat, smiling and grinning from ear to ear, I knew how this went. I completely see this man for who he REALLY is, while my family, my sister, my brother, his wife and my nephew all play the "game" with him. They all play "denial" and I suppose it's the only thing they know how to do, and the only way they know how to live. After a few moments I told my dad that I could not hang around and do the "family thing" anymore, for the very reason that I cannot do "denial" anymore, and that he and the others would just have to continue on in denial without me. He got the message loud and clear. I made him a sandwich as I knew he had missed lunch at the seniors lodge and would be hungry. We talked for a bit, and then he had to go and catch his seniors ride back to the seniors lodge. He was in my apartment for about one hour. After he left, I was upset, but not like I would have been before beginning my healing journey. I could feel a sense of control in my life, in my behaviours, a sense of knowing "my needs" and I began to realize that I am truly making progress to change my co-dependant behaviours I was forced to learn and take on as a child and continue in them as an adult. I am sticking with my decision to stay away from my abusive co-dependant family members, as I am 100% better without them. I knew I would not be able to truly heal with them in my life and I am so glad I finally decided to "care about myself and put myself first" instead of my abuser family's needs. It was a trying day, but at the end of it, I was glad to see that I handled it quite well, did not lose my temper, did not regress backwards in my healing journey and chalked it up to a good trial run to see if I can actually learn to "defend" myself and stand up for my rights, and needs. I hope that you will do the same. Never compromise your needs over someone who is hurting you, and abusing you. Never stop looking for that help and that hope where you can find it! Keep holding on...never give up!

Grieving - Feeling the Feelings

Hello my friends, it has been awhile since my last post. Between my work with Dreamcatchers For Abused Children, writing and working on my next book, the sequel to "A Life of Death: The Redemption", I have been working on inner child healing. In this process, I am learning that our feelings are valid. Our feelings are necessary, and they are an important part of the healing process, as we become emotionally honest with ourselves and the world. I am doing some visualizaton work with a friend of mine who is my "guide". We have gone in and saved my 8 year old; me. She was still tied up, bound and gagged on that bed from so long ago after having been raped and sodomized by my 21 year old brother. I had left her there, in the darkness. I closed the door and continued on into my 9th year, 10th year, still in hell from the abuse I was suffering at the hands of my mother mainly, but also from the abuse I was suffering from my dad and watching our family spin out of control after the death of my brother Chesley. It was during that year that I was sexually assaulted and used, that my dad was trying to kill himself, my mother was losing her mind, again, and all of my siblings in the home were in shell shock. Except one, my brother who was a 21 year old man who took it upon himself to see that no one would care or even notice that he was raping me and using me for his sex toy until he moved away to Canada later that year. I was in so much pain from the sexual assaults, and had developed an infection. I was in agony, and took a risk and told my mom. My brother threatened me with sodomy again if I told, but I did not care at that point. I took a risk by telling my mom because my mom was abusing and beating me on a regular basis and I knew by my telling her, it would most likely warrant a beating from her. Her response to me was, "what do you expect me to do about it? This is not my problem, this is your problem. You deal with it!" "Wrap yourself up like a mummy when you go to bed", and that was it. That was all. She did not even bother to check me out to see if my allegations were true, she knew it was true and did nothing to stop it, allowing her 21 year old son to rape and molest her 8 year old daughter. So, the abuse continued, and I split. In order for me to survive and continue on in the world, my mind had to shut off those sexual assaults and the pain I was in, and I shut the door on her, and left her to suffer on her own. Knowing all along, somewhere deep down inside that it was me! Over the years I grieved, and then at age 13 my brother confessed to me on a long distance phone call while he was bleeding to death after slitting his wrists, that he loved touching me sexually,he loved my smooth child body and loved to be in me. I was shocked.I had put all that away, so far away, that I actually thought it was my dad. I wanted to believe it was my dad because my dad was one of my abusers and had been sexually assaulting my mother and brothers for years while I grew up. I did not WANT to believe it was my brother because I loved my brother. Standing there, holding the phone to my ear, listening to my brother say these things to me, I thought back to those horrific torturous nights and days when I was 8 years old. I was in shock because I knew on the other end of the phone my brother was in a bathtub, wrists slit, bleeding to death, and he was the brother I used to try to protect from my dad. He was the brother that was so abused by my dad, and I loved him so much. He, however, did not love me. He used me. Just as fast as he had told me this in our conversation, when I put the phone down as my mother took over the conversation having just ran to the neighbors to use their phone to call the Canadian Police and alert them to get help to my brother as he was committing suicide, I went outside in the front yard, and thought about those earlier years, all of the abuse, all of the pain, and thought about how my mother had allowed this to go on, and had abused me as well. It was after my brother had sexually used me, that the name calling got worse and she would call me a whore, a slut, a cunt, and many other horrible names. I was just a kid. That year I would begin to shut out those words my brother said. He lived. The police and ambulance got to him in time and saved him, again. He would attempt suicide many times and at the age of 33, when I was 20 he finally managed to kill himself, suicide by hanging. The next year, I was 21 and had my first gynecology check up to get on the pill. I wrote on the form that I had never had sexual intercourse and was a virgin. After the examination, the gynecologist told me, "you're no virgin, honey", and I explained that I was. She said that the physical exam showed that I was in fact not a virgin, and had sexual intercourse as a child, as the scar tissue proved sexual abuse. I told her I was a virgin. I did not want to tell her my brother raped me and sexually used me for nearly a year. This was back in 1986 and mandatory reporting had not been instated. I left the office in despair as I had told the new love of my life, my only love, that I was a virgin. In my heart I believed I was a virgin for many reasons. I did not want my brother to use me sexually, I did not ask him to rape me, I fought him every time, which is why he had to bind and gag me. It wasn't a "game", as it was violent, and meant to punish me for not letting him do what he wanted. I never wanted it! I told my boyfriend at the time, who I loved so much, as he could not understand why I was not receptive to his advances and intimacy, that I was hurt as a child, sexually abused. I did not tell him what happened, but I did tell him that someone had hurt me as a child, and I asked him not to hurt me. I took a big risk in letting this man into my life and we broke up after 2 years. He was also sexually abused by his father who was an alcoholic, and he had run away from home at the age of 13 years old to live on his own. He had so many unresolved issues, I had so many unresolved issues, so we called the relationship quits. I did not have any relationships, with any man for another seven years, until I met the man I am with now. He is a good man. He loves me. He would never hurt me. We have had our difficulties as most relationships go, but we resolve them, work them out and we love each other a little bit more each day that goes by. I would say to all of you who are survivors of abuse, do not ever give up. Do not ever stop looking for that help, or that hope! Better days are ahead, but only if we are here, and we are looking for them...keep looking for them!!

Leaving unwanted behind...learning to love ourselves

Children around the world, since the beginning of time were made to feel unwanted, told they were not wanted, and shown they were not wanted by their parent's, caregivers, families, and sometimes society itself. Looking back at my own "unwantedness" is something I face everyday as a survivor of child abuse. Having been told by my mother that I was not wanted, I was born of rape, and that I should have died with the other three stillborn babies my mother lost prior to my birth, was reinforced throughout my life from the time I was born until just before she passed away. This was also reinforced by horrific physical abuse and beatings that she would dish out to me on a regular basis as I grew up under her anger and hatred, and the devastating verbal assaults were even more regular. This had a profound effect on me as a child and I began to feel as though she should have just killed me during one of those horrific beatings, or that I should just die as a youth as I was not wanted or loved and I could see no purpose to be here, no purpose to live, and I felt as if I were already dead, and that I was just a "walking shell" of a person. This was all before the age of ten years old, and at ten years old I began to tell my mother to "go ahead and kill me" as she was often saying that she should have killed me in the past tense, or that she should kill me in the present tense. Sometimes while beating me, she would tell me, "I'm going to kill you" and a string of unmentionable curse words would accompany the threat. She literally destroyed my sense of being, my spirit, my soul, my body, as she was attempting to destroy the thing she hated, her marital rape child. I was made to pay for being born, and paid dearly for it. I began to hate life, and hate myself, and as the years rolled on, I lost a sense of who I was as my "inner child" had been killed. It has taken me a long time to bring my inner child back to life, and to learn to nurture her, to tell her she IS wanted, she IS loved, she IS needed, and that she did not deserve to be treated that way as it was not "her" fault. It's been a long hard road, but I am making progress, and it is my wish that anyone who reads this blog entry will know that ultimately, we all deserve to be here, we are here for a reason, for a purpose, and that we all do matter and count. We must learn to love ourselves, and allow ourselves to live, to grow, to give love, to receive love and to learn to "want" ourselves in order to be able to walk free from being "unwanted". Never give up! Never ever give up!