2011

Sitting here, alone and drinking coffee on this beautiful New Years day, I think to myself, "all that is required is a commitment to keep walking forward, to remember that all I need to do is take each day and night as they come, to take that one step, to know that there will be hard days and nights ahead, to accept that there will also be some good days and nights as well, and to continue to be good to myself and others, be kind to myself and others, to care about myself and others, to accept the kindness and help from my friends and those that would reach out to me to help me, and to remember to be thankful for every good thing in my life, and every good friend in my life" and as I think about these things, I think of all of us who have been so wounded, and so incredibly hurt, and I think about my inner child, and I hold my head up high for her. She no longer cowers on the floor, cowers in the corner, shakes in her bed. She no longer screams out in pain. She had to be so strong for so long in my weakness, and now that I am strong and no longer weak, she is safe and knows that it will be okay. I made a commitment to not only survive, but to allow myself to let her shine through. She was a little girl full of love in her heart, laughter and joy in her spirit, as she was born that way, God made her that way. She quickly learned to shut that all away as hatred replaced love, and laughter and joy were replaced by fear, shame, and so much pain. She became silent as I became the "ugly, hateful" child my abuser's forced me to be. But now she is free to be herself again, as I am free to allow her to shine through me. I am that little girl once again, heart full of love, laughter and joy in my spirit! Little one, precious little girl, you are loved!

Making Decisions and Living With the Consequences

The choices we make, as a result of being survivors of child abuse, will directly affect our lives in every way. I have been thinking about the recent choices I have made over the last few months, and the many choices I have made since beginning my healing journey 4 years ago. I am fully aware of the consequences that can and will happen as a result of those choices. It became clearer to me as I thought more and more about the lack of support I have from my immediately family members, and the fact that my two siblings and father are still just as co-dependent, dysfunctional, and abusive as they ever were. The thought of continuing any type of contact with them has been causing me grief and discomfort. The thought that they still believe that I should continue to play out the life script they wrote for me as a child upsets me. I made a clear choice to never allow anyone to abuse me again, and that definitely included my own immediately family as well as everyone else in my life. I feel that as a human being on this planet I deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, compassion, empathy, and kindness. My siblings and dad have never treated me that way and have continually hurt me with their words and actions and they refuse to see that their behaviour is abusive. They do not want to take a look at how they treat others, and feel it is their right to behave any way they choose. My question to myself over these many months and even the last four years is, "Do I have to continue to allow my sister, brother and dad to abuse me in any way?". The answer is NO! I made a clear choice to not allow anyone to treat me with disrespect or abuse me again. Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself is something I have always tried to do, and without hurting my sister, brother and dad, by cutting them out of my life, letting them go, moving on, and stopping all contact with them feels better to me then allowing them to remain a part of my life as they are in denial and "hate" the fact that I went public with our story of abuse, and "hate" that I am fighting to stop child abuse, and "hate" that I am on my healing journey. Any family member that would not support another family member on their healing journey, even if they did not understand the situation completely, is not going to be help, but rather a hindrance to my healing journey. It is cleary my siblings and dad's decision to make. Whether they ever decide that they need help, counselling, or therapy. I cannot make that decision for them. I believe that had we made the decision together to get family counselling, we would be able to have a good relationship, a healthy relationship. My brother, sister and dad have all said that they do not need counselling and think it is all garbage and unneccesary. As adult survivors we need to be very cautious and careful when making these types of decisions. We need to be fully aware of the consequences that will result from these types of decisions. I am 100% satisfied with my decision, due to the severity and length of the abuse I and my siblings suffered as children, due to the fact that my dad is mentally ill and mentally unstable and toxic, it is a decision I have to make in order to move forward in my healing journey. But with the decision comes the knowledge that I will always love my sister, brother and dad and wish it could have been different. Be very careful what you do when making these decisions. Be sure that you are making them for the right reasons and can live with the outcomes. We will live with the consequences for the rest of our lives. Whatever choices you make for yourself, just remember to never give up, never lose hope, and keep reaching out!

Speaking out against abuse

Sitting here this morning after finishing the Blog Talk Radio Show, I find myself thinking about last October 2009 when I went public with my story of the abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my parents and a sibling and the dysfunction that destroyed our family. Not one of my remaining direct family members except my niece has had anything to say about the fact that I went public with the story, or that I am speaking out against abuse. They have all ignored the fact that I pointed my finger point blank at my abusers, my parents, as well as the fact that one of my siblings sexually abused me as a child of 8 years old. My remaining family members are all in denial even though we have spoken about the abuse we all suffered through the years. Now, because I have gone public, they seem to have forgotten that we had numerous chats about how my parents treated each other, how they abused us, and how my sister was also very abusive to her children and husband. Now, because they have to face it, and it's public information, they are hiding in the dark behind that closed door and not supporting me or even acknowledging that abuse is wrong, ALL abuse is wrong. My sister will not even say that child abuse is wrong. She cannot bring herself to even say the words even though she knows that I volunteer with Dreamcatchers For Abused Children, and knows about the book I wrote, "A Life of Death: The Redemption". My nephew sits and scratches his head as if to say "abuse? what is that?" even though his own mother, my other sister now passed away from cancer at the age of 60, was a highly abusive woman who controlled her whole family and abused her own children and husband. Hey, she grew up in the same home I did, she was abused herself. My only living brother "hates" what I am doing and has not spoken to me for 4 years and does not even know where I live. Many times, as we come forward to reach out and get help as survivors of child abuse, our dysfunctional families will not understand, or will conceal the truths that they keep forever hidden in their own hearts and minds. They expect us to do the same and when we decide to get help and learn to cope with the abuse we suffered, they do not always support us. My family is choosing to live in denial. I have chosen to expose the truth even at the risk of further alienating myself from my dysfunctional family members. I could no longer sit in silence, keeping all of the pain, agony, despair, and grief inside me. It was literally destroying me to stay silent. Knowing that by going public with my story, it could drive a wedge between me and my family, I felt it was necessary for me to speak up, and expose the truth. This may not be for everyone and I would suggest that you think this through very carefully and realize that there are consequences to every action. Whether a survivor decided to go public with their story or not, I would say just make sure you reach out and get some help. You did not deserve the abuse, no one does. If you are being abused, make sure you reach out and get some help! Save your life!

Never give up!

Thinking about the show topic from today's show, Dave Decker from Angeresources.com wrote about the "Myth's About Domestic Abuse" from his website http://www.angeresources.com and as I was reading aloud myth number 16 that "Many abused women actually like the conflict and the abuse
• i.e. they like the "pain" and chaos and they are "masochistic" I thought back to the many times I have heard that in my lifetime and even said it myself. I thought back to my mom's situation and how she could have left the abusive marriage she was in and divorced my dad and had every opportunity to get help, and she chose to stay. As a child I could never understand why she would allow herself to be abused by my dad and had heard my older siblings plead with her to get out of the marriage and start a new life for herself. We were of course hoping she would take us with her, but even suggested that she leave us in the home with my dad and that we just wanted her to be happy and would be okay if she just got herself out. As I grew older and the abuse continued on and on, day after day, month after month and year after year I became bitter about the abuse I was suffering at her hands and at my dad's hands and became soured in my ways of thinking and believed that she stayed because she "must have liked the chaos and abuse". As a teen-ager I even tried to convince her to leave my dad and told her that I would work and her and I could get an apartment together and I was even willing to overlook the abuse she had been inflicting upon me my whole life. I cared very much for my mom even though she cared very little about herself or her children and that included me. She would not accept my offer and chose to stay. I would often think about it as a young adult and thought to myself that she must have enjoyed the horror's of living with my dad and also believed that she enjoyed abusing me as I was born out of marital rape and she made it very clear that she did not love me or want me and should have killed me at birth. I continued to love her deep down inside my heart, and all the while my mind and my crushed spirit hated what my parents had done to each other and to us, their seven children. All of her children wanted her to be happy and healthy and did not want to see her abused and end up a bitter woman on her death bed, which is exactly the way it went. My mom did not enjoy being abused, she did not enjoy being raped, she did not enjoy being made to feel worthless and she did not deserve any of the abuse she was forced to endure by her own mother and then by her husband. If you are in this situation or have been, make sure you get help. Call a crisis line if you have to. Do whatever you can to hold on and get some help. Never ever give up! It's not an option! You do count, you do matter. You do not deserve to suffer or be abused. No one deserves to be abused. No one likes to be abused or enjoys being abused. Please reach out and never stop reaching out until you get the help you so deserve!!

The Shame-Rage Connection

So many of us have had to deal with the issues of anger and rage in our lives due to the abuse that we suffered as children. As a youth I had some very real issues with anger and rage that profoundly affected my life and the lives of everyone around me. I spent years trying to learn to cope better with the shame, anger and rage that consumed me from the time I was a young girl. It took me years to learn to change my behaviour as I realized that my behaviour was wrong and that I truly did not want to hurt anyone. I began to repress the anger and rage deep down inside me, not allowing myself to express my anger or rage because of the abuse I suffered. This nearly destroyed me as I had no way to deal or cope with those emotions. I am now learning just how the shame-rage connection had impacted my life and learning how to cope and nurture my raging inner child. I encourage anyone who has been through this to keep looking for help, keep looking for hope and keep reaching out. Please check out the website from Dave Decker and Mike Obsatz at http://www.angeresources.com for more information regarding the shame-rage connection. Take care everyone! Keep reaching out!! YOU do count! YOU do matter!!

New Beginnings

Here is to the whole notion of starting over, a new beginning, a new chapter. This gift of freedom that has been given to me by Dreamcatchers For Abused Children, President Donna Kshir and CEO and Founder Sandra Potter has been so helpful for me in my healing journey. I am now working on a sequal, and have many other ideas for books in the near future. We survivors of child abuse all have a story to tell. We all have a prison of silence to break free from. I do not take this gift lightly as I know that so many voices have been silenced forever. So many victims of child abuse throughout the ages whose voices were never heard, the abuse unreported, the silent cries of those children followed them to their graves. It is an honor and privilege to be just "one more voice" for those children and adults whose voices were silenced and I owe it all to Donna and Sandra for allowing my voice to be heard. I hope and pray that you will find your voice, find your freedom, find your peace and find your way in this life if you are struggling. It is my hope that you will never ever ever give up!!! NOT EVER!!! Keep reaching out..keep holding on to hope...keep reaching for help..anyway that you can!!

Keep Holding On to HOPE

Wow..it has been awhile since I last posted an entry on here...I have been very busy..and just trying to find some sort of "organization" in my life...I know that you all know what I'm talking about....I continue to hold on to HOPE in every area of my life, hope that all children's rights advocates will be VICTORIOUS and stop child abuse, hope that all survivor's of child abuse of any kind will finally feel what it's like to love, to know love, to love ourselves, and to love others and to be free from the pain of suffering in childhood. It is a daily walk, a daily trial, a daily tribulation.....and daily...we must hold on to HOPE!! Keep walking my friends, keep looking for that peace in our hearts, in our souls, our spirits! I do believe we will find it!!