It has been over a year since my last post here on this blog and I must say it has been a year of ups and downs, as it is for most people. This last few weeks a very familiar feeling has been creeping up on me, thoughts of the horror of the abuse my siblings and myself suffered as children and teens, the feelings of inner sadness and a feeling of underlying anger come closer and closer to the surface as each week goes by. I have many triggers, and some of the most serious triggers for me are dates on the calendar. I do not like to call them "anniversaries" as that is a term that normally describes good times and not usually specific memories of abuse. Many of us survivors remember these times and during the course of a year, they can be very discomforting. Summer is a trigger for me as I grew up on the hot, dry semi-desert of New Mexico, and it was during the summer that much of the physical, emotional, verbal abuse was lashed out upon me, and it was during the summer of 1973 that the sexual abuse I suffered began and continued until late fall. It was summer when my dad physically injured me during a beating, and this injury to my hip has plagued me my whole life. Lately my hip has started working itself out of place, and this is also a trigger for me. Also, for one year now, my commute to work everyday takes me by the seniors lodge where my aging abuser dad lives. Someday's I don't think too much about it, and others I have mixed thoughts. Someday's I feel anger rising up within me as I think of him and remember what he did to my family members. Other times I feel a sadness that I will never have a decent loving relationship with a dad who was supposed to love me and take care of me. Many mixed emotions result as I pass by that location every day of the week. I would take a different route but this would cause my daily commute to increase to over 2 hours each way, so I decided to learn to live with it. I have several trigger dates on the calendar coming up soon and as they approach, I must have a plan in place to not allow myself to lose the accomplished work of working through my issues in order to heal. I will go back and re-read many of the books that I studied to help me through the first part of my healing journey, and I will meditate on a regular basis and stay in faith. I do not like to think about this one fact, and that is the knowledge that I will probably always have these issues of triggers to deal with, but now I know that there are many things I can do to help me get through them and grow with each trigger as they come along. This has placed the control and power in my arena, and this is a very positive move in my healing journey. Love and peace to you all. Never give up, no matter how tough the journey!
