Making Decisions and Living With the Consequences

The choices we make, as a result of being survivors of child abuse, will directly affect our lives in every way. I have been thinking about the recent choices I have made over the last few months, and the many choices I have made since beginning my healing journey 4 years ago. I am fully aware of the consequences that can and will happen as a result of those choices. It became clearer to me as I thought more and more about the lack of support I have from my immediately family members, and the fact that my two siblings and father are still just as co-dependent, dysfunctional, and abusive as they ever were. The thought of continuing any type of contact with them has been causing me grief and discomfort. The thought that they still believe that I should continue to play out the life script they wrote for me as a child upsets me. I made a clear choice to never allow anyone to abuse me again, and that definitely included my own immediately family as well as everyone else in my life. I feel that as a human being on this planet I deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, compassion, empathy, and kindness. My siblings and dad have never treated me that way and have continually hurt me with their words and actions and they refuse to see that their behaviour is abusive. They do not want to take a look at how they treat others, and feel it is their right to behave any way they choose. My question to myself over these many months and even the last four years is, "Do I have to continue to allow my sister, brother and dad to abuse me in any way?". The answer is NO! I made a clear choice to not allow anyone to treat me with disrespect or abuse me again. Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself is something I have always tried to do, and without hurting my sister, brother and dad, by cutting them out of my life, letting them go, moving on, and stopping all contact with them feels better to me then allowing them to remain a part of my life as they are in denial and "hate" the fact that I went public with our story of abuse, and "hate" that I am fighting to stop child abuse, and "hate" that I am on my healing journey. Any family member that would not support another family member on their healing journey, even if they did not understand the situation completely, is not going to be help, but rather a hindrance to my healing journey. It is cleary my siblings and dad's decision to make. Whether they ever decide that they need help, counselling, or therapy. I cannot make that decision for them. I believe that had we made the decision together to get family counselling, we would be able to have a good relationship, a healthy relationship. My brother, sister and dad have all said that they do not need counselling and think it is all garbage and unneccesary. As adult survivors we need to be very cautious and careful when making these types of decisions. We need to be fully aware of the consequences that will result from these types of decisions. I am 100% satisfied with my decision, due to the severity and length of the abuse I and my siblings suffered as children, due to the fact that my dad is mentally ill and mentally unstable and toxic, it is a decision I have to make in order to move forward in my healing journey. But with the decision comes the knowledge that I will always love my sister, brother and dad and wish it could have been different. Be very careful what you do when making these decisions. Be sure that you are making them for the right reasons and can live with the outcomes. We will live with the consequences for the rest of our lives. Whatever choices you make for yourself, just remember to never give up, never lose hope, and keep reaching out!

Speaking out against abuse

Sitting here this morning after finishing the Blog Talk Radio Show, I find myself thinking about last October 2009 when I went public with my story of the abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my parents and a sibling and the dysfunction that destroyed our family. Not one of my remaining direct family members except my niece has had anything to say about the fact that I went public with the story, or that I am speaking out against abuse. They have all ignored the fact that I pointed my finger point blank at my abusers, my parents, as well as the fact that one of my siblings sexually abused me as a child of 8 years old. My remaining family members are all in denial even though we have spoken about the abuse we all suffered through the years. Now, because I have gone public, they seem to have forgotten that we had numerous chats about how my parents treated each other, how they abused us, and how my sister was also very abusive to her children and husband. Now, because they have to face it, and it's public information, they are hiding in the dark behind that closed door and not supporting me or even acknowledging that abuse is wrong, ALL abuse is wrong. My sister will not even say that child abuse is wrong. She cannot bring herself to even say the words even though she knows that I volunteer with Dreamcatchers For Abused Children, and knows about the book I wrote, "A Life of Death: The Redemption". My nephew sits and scratches his head as if to say "abuse? what is that?" even though his own mother, my other sister now passed away from cancer at the age of 60, was a highly abusive woman who controlled her whole family and abused her own children and husband. Hey, she grew up in the same home I did, she was abused herself. My only living brother "hates" what I am doing and has not spoken to me for 4 years and does not even know where I live. Many times, as we come forward to reach out and get help as survivors of child abuse, our dysfunctional families will not understand, or will conceal the truths that they keep forever hidden in their own hearts and minds. They expect us to do the same and when we decide to get help and learn to cope with the abuse we suffered, they do not always support us. My family is choosing to live in denial. I have chosen to expose the truth even at the risk of further alienating myself from my dysfunctional family members. I could no longer sit in silence, keeping all of the pain, agony, despair, and grief inside me. It was literally destroying me to stay silent. Knowing that by going public with my story, it could drive a wedge between me and my family, I felt it was necessary for me to speak up, and expose the truth. This may not be for everyone and I would suggest that you think this through very carefully and realize that there are consequences to every action. Whether a survivor decided to go public with their story or not, I would say just make sure you reach out and get some help. You did not deserve the abuse, no one does. If you are being abused, make sure you reach out and get some help! Save your life!

Never give up!

Thinking about the show topic from today's show, Dave Decker from Angeresources.com wrote about the "Myth's About Domestic Abuse" from his website http://www.angeresources.com and as I was reading aloud myth number 16 that "Many abused women actually like the conflict and the abuse
• i.e. they like the "pain" and chaos and they are "masochistic" I thought back to the many times I have heard that in my lifetime and even said it myself. I thought back to my mom's situation and how she could have left the abusive marriage she was in and divorced my dad and had every opportunity to get help, and she chose to stay. As a child I could never understand why she would allow herself to be abused by my dad and had heard my older siblings plead with her to get out of the marriage and start a new life for herself. We were of course hoping she would take us with her, but even suggested that she leave us in the home with my dad and that we just wanted her to be happy and would be okay if she just got herself out. As I grew older and the abuse continued on and on, day after day, month after month and year after year I became bitter about the abuse I was suffering at her hands and at my dad's hands and became soured in my ways of thinking and believed that she stayed because she "must have liked the chaos and abuse". As a teen-ager I even tried to convince her to leave my dad and told her that I would work and her and I could get an apartment together and I was even willing to overlook the abuse she had been inflicting upon me my whole life. I cared very much for my mom even though she cared very little about herself or her children and that included me. She would not accept my offer and chose to stay. I would often think about it as a young adult and thought to myself that she must have enjoyed the horror's of living with my dad and also believed that she enjoyed abusing me as I was born out of marital rape and she made it very clear that she did not love me or want me and should have killed me at birth. I continued to love her deep down inside my heart, and all the while my mind and my crushed spirit hated what my parents had done to each other and to us, their seven children. All of her children wanted her to be happy and healthy and did not want to see her abused and end up a bitter woman on her death bed, which is exactly the way it went. My mom did not enjoy being abused, she did not enjoy being raped, she did not enjoy being made to feel worthless and she did not deserve any of the abuse she was forced to endure by her own mother and then by her husband. If you are in this situation or have been, make sure you get help. Call a crisis line if you have to. Do whatever you can to hold on and get some help. Never ever give up! It's not an option! You do count, you do matter. You do not deserve to suffer or be abused. No one deserves to be abused. No one likes to be abused or enjoys being abused. Please reach out and never stop reaching out until you get the help you so deserve!!

The Shame-Rage Connection

So many of us have had to deal with the issues of anger and rage in our lives due to the abuse that we suffered as children. As a youth I had some very real issues with anger and rage that profoundly affected my life and the lives of everyone around me. I spent years trying to learn to cope better with the shame, anger and rage that consumed me from the time I was a young girl. It took me years to learn to change my behaviour as I realized that my behaviour was wrong and that I truly did not want to hurt anyone. I began to repress the anger and rage deep down inside me, not allowing myself to express my anger or rage because of the abuse I suffered. This nearly destroyed me as I had no way to deal or cope with those emotions. I am now learning just how the shame-rage connection had impacted my life and learning how to cope and nurture my raging inner child. I encourage anyone who has been through this to keep looking for help, keep looking for hope and keep reaching out. Please check out the website from Dave Decker and Mike Obsatz at http://www.angeresources.com for more information regarding the shame-rage connection. Take care everyone! Keep reaching out!! YOU do count! YOU do matter!!

New Beginnings

Here is to the whole notion of starting over, a new beginning, a new chapter. This gift of freedom that has been given to me by Dreamcatchers For Abused Children, President Donna Kshir and CEO and Founder Sandra Potter has been so helpful for me in my healing journey. I am now working on a sequal, and have many other ideas for books in the near future. We survivors of child abuse all have a story to tell. We all have a prison of silence to break free from. I do not take this gift lightly as I know that so many voices have been silenced forever. So many victims of child abuse throughout the ages whose voices were never heard, the abuse unreported, the silent cries of those children followed them to their graves. It is an honor and privilege to be just "one more voice" for those children and adults whose voices were silenced and I owe it all to Donna and Sandra for allowing my voice to be heard. I hope and pray that you will find your voice, find your freedom, find your peace and find your way in this life if you are struggling. It is my hope that you will never ever ever give up!!! NOT EVER!!! Keep reaching out..keep holding on to hope...keep reaching for help..anyway that you can!!

Keep Holding On to HOPE

Wow..it has been awhile since I last posted an entry on here...I have been very busy..and just trying to find some sort of "organization" in my life...I know that you all know what I'm talking about....I continue to hold on to HOPE in every area of my life, hope that all children's rights advocates will be VICTORIOUS and stop child abuse, hope that all survivor's of child abuse of any kind will finally feel what it's like to love, to know love, to love ourselves, and to love others and to be free from the pain of suffering in childhood. It is a daily walk, a daily trial, a daily tribulation.....and daily...we must hold on to HOPE!! Keep walking my friends, keep looking for that peace in our hearts, in our souls, our spirits! I do believe we will find it!!

Laurie Ann Smith, 'A Life of Death: The Redemption'

Laurie Ann Smith, 'A Life of Death: The Redemption'

My Book is Available Everyone!!!

Wow!! Do I ever have some exciting news!! My book, my story is published and available for purchase! All proceeds from the book are going directly to Dreamcatchers For Abused Children to help in the education, awareness and prevention to stop child abuse! It is my wish, and Dreamcatchers For Abused Children are honoring it and that makes me happy. I do not want money for this book..I want to help save children's lives and help get the word out that child abuse is so so wrong and we need to stop child abuse now! I hope you will pass the word on ....share the link...purchase a copy..and save a child's life!! Bestselling Author and President of Dreamcatchers For Abused Children Donna Kshir saw my blog, read it, and asked me if she could publish my story. I thought that was a nice offer, but could not believe that she was serious. I waited a month or so and thought, hey..how many times does a bestselling author offer to publish a story..?? So, I asked her if she still wanted to publish the book and she said yes and the rest is history. CEO and Founder of Dreamcatchers For Abused Children, and Author Sandra Dawn Potter and Donna Kshir edited the book and left it in my voice. They left the story as I had written it, from my own voice!! How great is that..they literally handed me the key to the locks on the chains to my prison door of silence and allowed my voice to be heard, for this I am eternally grateful. I know that the proceeds from this book will be used to help further the work being done to provide vital services to child abuse victims and survivors everywhere and I am so happy they are allowing me to donate all proceeds to Dreamcatchers For Abused Children! This makes me very happy! Money just cannot buy this kind of happiness or relief to know that many childrens lives will be made better as we continue to fight against child abuse, and fight to get the word out to the public and raise awareness, and educate the public on the issues surrounding child abuse!! Thanks everyone for all your support and mostly for your friendship..it means everything to me...

"A Life of Death: The Redemption" (A True Story) by Laurie Ann Smith is available at Lulu..and soon Amazon and other publishing companies..

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/a-life-of-death-the-redemption/8500324

Busy, Busy, Busy......

Wow! I have been so busy lately that I have not been on here posting any new blog entries since the middle of February....lots going on...so much in fact that I have a hard time staying organized, perhaps trying to do too much..but I don't want to stop now..I only want to do more...I will have to learn how to get better organized, manage my time, work on things that are time sensitive and then let the other things wait for a more relaxed day..I hope you are all well..I hope that this blog will eventually be a place where people will feel free to post their thoughts, and their ideas and resources, books, other blogs, and poetry, anything that has been a source of comfort in their healing process...I have so much to say and will continue to write here as often as I can. I expect that April will be more about Child Abuse Awareness as it is the National Child Abuse Awareness month this year. I am hoping to get involved and possibly do some public speaking and awareness for Dreamcatchers For Abused Children..so I have to get busy on that to make the connections necessary. So I hope you will feel free to post here and include photos, and other things to really make it your blog as well as mine..and I hope you will just remember to keep reaching out..keep that HOPE alive...stay with it...and a bit of good advice that I need to follow first...make time to just breath..to just relax..to just allow ourselves to look at what is working in our lives and build on it..not rushing past what is helping us to cope but really examining these things and mabey journaling them for future reference...now if I can only get myself to follow that advice!! Take care everyone...
Laurie

Just Keep Holding On and Reaching OUT!!

Hi everyone! I love Fridays!! They make me happy!! It's the day when most of us who work a regular day job at the office begin to feel a sense of freedom coming...a week of busy workloads and just trying to get everything done at work and in our personal lives! It can be a great time to just think about the weekend and the possibility of getting some much needed rest, or just time to read a good book we started and have not finished, or to catch up with friends we haven't seen in a while. For me, it is a time of reflection and a time to spend with my sweetheart who is terminally ill. We always spend at least one day together on the weekend and just enjoy sitting together, cooking dinner and watching a movie or some sports, his favorite thing to do..not mine, or just talk...and for me this weekend brings another chapter in my blog Not So Fond Memories,Growing Up in an Abusive Home, you can read it if you like...it is GRAPHIC and I do warn people to be aware of that before reading it..I am ready to write a new chapter which means looking back on some times in my life that were very dark, and very disturbing to recall, but I do it for the purpose of letting other survivors of child abuse of any kind, that they are not alone and that by me speaking up and sharing my story, they too might know that what happened to them was not their fault and that they did not deserve to be treated the way that they were. None of us do, and none of the children out there right now who are being abused as I write this blog entry deserve to be abused. It is my hope that my personal story will encourage others who have experienced child abuse to reach out to someone, anyone they feel trustworthy and not suffer in silence. My thoughts are with you this weekend! Be safe in all you do!

The ASCA's Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Survivor to Thriver Workbook

Hello everyone...here is a great website and resource for adult survivors of any type and all types of child abuse. The ASCA, Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, A Morris Center Program has a Survivor to Thriver Workbook that I am working through right now and you can find this at http://www.ascasupport.org

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well, it's that day again...the day when love is in the air...all around...and sadly so many people just are not experiencing love of any kind in their lives...I know what that is like and went through so many years of no love towards me of any kind, so I can honestly say...I know what it feels like to be unloved...and to not love myself...I never trusted people, so I would not let anyone in as a young adult and had no close relationships with people from 25 years of age until I was 30 or so and even then when I met people I held them very far away...just in case they were untrustworthy as I knew I could not take anymore abuse...not even an abusive word or my heart would just die...so I lived a very sad and lonely 6 years and then I met a man who would change all that for me...it took me a very long time to learn to trust him and I even broke off the relationship for a year which meant no contact at all, not by phone, or mail or anything...until I was sure that I really wanted to be in the relationship and the reasons why...I had to do some real soul searching. Today we still love each other very much and he is in fact my soul mate, my better half, my protector, my friend, my confident and my cheering section..so I encourage you to find out what you need in this life to be happy, to have a good life..and then learn to trust yourself and as you do that you will learn to try to trust others and if you find that one person who loves you for who you are and truly wants only good things for you then you know that person deserves your time, your love and your friendship! All the best to you my friends. Have a good day! Take GOOD care of yourselves as so many times no one else will...so it is really up to us to take GOOD care of ourselves okay?

One Child Abuse Survivor 2 another....

Welcome, this blog is ulitimately a place where people such as myself who have experienced child abuse of any kind can come together and share our stories, share our triumphs, share our pain, share our compassion toward one another and hopefully find some healing and hope along the way....anyone can post on this blog, although I will be moderating comments due to the sensitivity of the issue of child abuse, and the fact that I want everyone to feel comfortable here, and not have to be subjected to more abuse from anyone. Please feel free to share resources that you found helpful, other blog sites for survivors like us who are in search of more healing material and keep in mind that this is a PUBLIC blog and many people will hopefully be a part of it, and sharing it as well, so make sure that you are okay with your posts being on a public facing blog...and most of all, I hope that you will find some healing and some hope and just know that we must keep reaching out...for professional help, for support from other survivors, and for the possibility of having a good life, a healthy life, a life we deserve to have...a good life...